Entry 71, EE Cummings (New York)
August 19, 2012 § Leave a comment
My father said reading my entries is something like EE Cummings fleeing stream of consciousness. I hope you are all enjoying the strains coming from all 50+ of my ADD-fueled directions. 🙂
Chester and I walked with Sugo along the Chelsea Piers the other night. That was a good talk night. We’ve had many lazy conversations on his saddle brown leather couch, suffering from invisible sun blisters because NY’s turned on the summer heat switch, the windows were open, and we were waiting for his new air con’s to be installed. I’ve put these scattered conversations before me, and this is what I took strongest from all of Chester’s feedback. Likely to be the biggest self-questioning I’ve struggled with over Leon is, how early on, Leon was associated in my head with Ethan (my boyfriend of two years and the last guy I was with before I left for these travels). First of all, there’s nothing wrong with Ethan. But for me, there’s was a lot wrong with Ethan and I as a couple. I doubt he’d disagree with that. But those connecting associations raised many concerns for me. It was Chester placing this ‘mirror’ before me, that has laid those hesitations to rest. Chester said, when I talk about Ethan, all my verbal selections and facial expressions match, and they do not lend to anything favorable. Coming from quite the opposite direction, Chester said I turn aglow when I talk about Leon. That sheen you get on your face that any make-up company would make millions on if they could bottle it up & put it on a shelf for sale. The shade love makes. I needed that. I needed to know that this wasn’t a repeat of a relationship that ended. Of the parts of my lack of attraction to Ethan that I know I never want to repeat. Chester gave me what I didn’t know to ask for, and it had the exact effect I needed because I had no idea that observation was coming. Or that it was there. In my head, I knew the indiscernable connections I had made between Ethan and Leon were hurdles I had to clear, but I didn’t know what I was jumping. I didn’t know how high the hurdle. Now it’s already behind me and I feel like I’m clear to just… run.
I want this love to work out right.
So now what. Where do I run to? Mila and Chester have teamed up on me. I have free flights, right? Number 3 on my list of things to find on this life-changing journey is ‘him’, right? He loves me, right? I’ve found my love for him… right? What if… What if… When it’s time to take a leap of faith, a leap for what you always said you wanted, when you think it’s right in front of you to simply take a step towards, do you always know when you’re looking that time in the face?
I’m sitting on Mila’s floor, packing my seven significantly stuffed suitcases, and I’m simultaneously trying to organize the thoughts with my racing heart. Mila’s words jolt me, “You should just go to Australia. Just show up in Sydney. Surprise him.” She threw in some witty line to say to him, pulling from one of those life-altering sentences he wrote me in one of his letters.
It began as a ridiculous notion. A dare you lay out among girlfriends. A tease. A challenge. But what I’ve come to learn, what’s grown inside me, is these hair-brained notions to fly off into a foreign country, with a skeleton plan, see the world, change your life. And you just go. You just make it happen… This dare has fallen into a head with new perspective, and it doesn’t sound so crazed.
I’m going to go to Australia to surprise Leon.