Entry 68, Skinny Love (NY)

July 8, 2012 § 5 Comments

It’s actually the skinny on this love story.  I want to bring you guys up to date asap so you can gawk along with me at what I’m considering.

Clearly meeting Leon struck all the way through me.  As I mentioned in the last couple entries, we met in Sydney.  Oh ya, on Valentine’s day.  We spent the following month or so together before I flew north to Cairns, then made my way south through Airlie Beach, Hervey Bay & Byron Bay.  The first email came the day I left.

I had stayed over at his place and he was taking me to the airport at some un-Godly hour the next morning.  At that point I was mentally in no-man’s land.  In so many ways I had been impacted by the time Leon & I had spent.  Moreover, the depth of it.  Even further, where it was hitting me.  But I wasn’t ready to confront those feelings, and whether that’s a scornful thing or not, it’s was reality at the time & I was struggling with the haze of it all.  That’s why when I woke up that morning, and caught him going into the shower, I felt overwhelmed with something I couldn’t pinpoint.  No wait.  I couldn’t figure out why I was feeling what I was feeling.  Because it contradicted other thoughts.  Our time together was an emotional whirl.  It felt like a trip in & of itself.  Full of all the important life topics and moving conversations that somehow stood out above the rest.  I’ll cherish it always.  I knew that even then.  And then I was about to leave, and although I was coming back through Sydney, we weren’t sure when we’d see each other again.  How do you say goodbye to someone you’ve shared one of the most beautiful times in your life with?  When it wasn’t the city, your surroundings, the beaches, a foreign country, that contributed one ounce to that beauty.  It was simply the you & him.  I was freaking out over whether or not he’d kiss me goodbye.  Then immediately followed that thought with a question to myself, “why are you thinking about kissing him if you’re not willing to walk down a romantic road with him?”  What did this mean, I didn’t know.  I told myself I wouldn’t act on anything until I did.  I thought this was the only way to be responsible to the feelings involved.  His & mine.

So in the car ride to the airport, I had some of those silent smiling seconds.  Completely exhilarated by the whip of his car, the song he played, this completely unimportant tunnel that was making up the only place in the world I wanted to be in that moment, and here I am again.  Like 10 years ago with Alano.  But it was completely new, and in every way, better.

At the airport when we said goodbye… gosh, I must’ve been awkward.  But we only hugged.  One of those strong hugs.  One of my favorite things.  I welled up.  Instead of acknowledging all the questions bubbling up in my head, I silenced them.  And just let the feelings take rein.

When I arrived Cairns, the haze had made the flight with me, and I felt like a zombie wandering around.  Because my flight had gotten in early, it was hours before I could settle into my room.  I put up in the lobby and hopped onto a computer to get online.  That’s when I got the email.  I still couldn’t grab one thought circling my brain long enough to figure out what it was trying to tell me.  And so I read his email, and almost as though I wouldn’t have been able to stop it, proceeded to sob in a very busy lobby area.

For someone who is so versed in being emotional, it was a strange phenomenon to not be able to identify my thoughts & feelings.  I was only being emotional.  So I just conceded to the weight of it all & told myself to be patient with understanding why.

I finally got into my room, barely lifting a hand to the fellow travelers who shared the space with me.  This is my first hostel experience & I’m not even ‘here’.

I opened my suitcase.  What was that?  Something wrapped in orange tissue paper & I have the picturesque memory that told me I hadn’t packed this.  I unwrapped the tissue and eeked.  Day before yesterday Leon & I had gone to the Paddington Market (in the Paddington neighborhood of Sydney, a great one to check out, btw, a couple successful Australian designers started there).  I found these great, decorative male & female silhouettes that usually distinguish the mens & ladies bathroom signs.  I wanted them so badly.  But I was trying to be financially fiscal, and held back my own hand.  They didn’t have a store or website to purchase them from, so I knew I was safe from myself.  Leon, on the other hand, pleaded with me to let him buy it as a gift.  I couldn’t accept, he had already done so much for me & I felt indebted… and not just monetarily.  But here I was… looking at the decorative sign from the market.  He had covertly taken a business card, contacted the designers directly & somehow had it overnighted so that he could sneak it into my suitcase before he took me to the airport.

Funny.  I left him a hidden surprise at his apartment too.

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