Entry 67, Still Peeling (NY)
July 1, 2012 § Leave a comment
K, where did I leave off? What’s his alias again?
Leon. Right. Let’s just get right in to dicing this onion up.
It never fails to provoke a giggle, that my reasons for doing something can be so crystal clear and accessible, yet at the same time, I consistently ask myself what the hell it is I’m doing.
When I was in Oz, the first country I visited on the year I left to see the world and change my life, I was feeling everything and nothing at the same time. I knew my reasons for leaving San Francisco: see the world/do something amazing with my life, hop on ‘world harmony’, and find the next career I’d set in motion once I stopped traveling. I took off searching, and not searching, for these three things. I wanted to put myself into better position for a bigger life out there to find me, but I wanted to keep the process organic. Seek, but keep the eagerness & desire in check.
I never directly confirmed it, but discrete, and some not so discrete, gestures from Leon told me he had likely developed romantic feelings.
After nearly four weeks in Sydney, I left for Cairns and my east coast tour through Oz. Throughout the following weeks, Leon wrote me three emails. Though it wasn’t far from a way I’d have described him prior to them, after receiving those three e-letters, he was undoubtedly one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen.
There are all kinds of beautiful out there. All kinds of writers. Intelligent, innate, gifted, witty, vulnerable… Leon is all of these. They are, and likely will always be, the most beautiful words I’ve ever read. Unostentatious… pained… effortless… un-tried… honest… full of integrity… so weak they were strong. We all have access to famous words written on life and love, but what could chime more than words personal to us?
As you can imagine, this trip is not only redefining my life, but many facets of how I look at it. I’ve recently had it pointed out to me, the value of having someone in your life that makes you want to be a better person. God, Leon had that effect on me. When there’s so many ways to look at the same situation, when two people can visit the same city and have completely different reactions to it, when you meet two people at some party & one conversation lasts two minutes while in the other you find yourself jiving with the person & you can’t explain why. It’s because I’ve considered these things at length that I’ve come to cherish Leon’s impact on me and the kismet of meeting one another. I’ve met so many people, and then I meet one, and somehow he seems to see all the good in me, my most intimate efforts. The ones I keep to myself. Not only did he pick up on them, but it’s was like he read the reasons behind my actions straight from my brain. Not only did he see the reasons why, but those reasons resonated with him. I met someone who values what I value. Possibly for the exact reasons they mean something to me. When your world becomes bigger through age, experiences… travel, you understand how rare this is. I’ll give you all a teaser, Leon puts it so much better than myself:
… I felt like there’s something inside you that resonates perfectly with me. Like some sort of harmonic vibration to sync with. I struggle to explain it, but I just felt at peace walking around with you not even speaking…
It wasn’t a situation where you feel like someone is infatuated. When they put you on the pedastool of perfection and you’re “flawless”. That wouldn’t be real to me. It was being so understood by him. Seen by him wholly. All my imperfections in tact, although that didn’t appear important to him. Instead, it was all I did good. And all the good I wanted to do, but hadn’t yet. Just his ability to see this made me feel closer to achieving it. It was more than motivating, it was empowering. It’s this kind of empowerment that makes you want to be a better person. You’re not the object of someone’s obsession, you are real. It’s piercing. And you realize you want to, more importantly can be, this person, all the time.